Can You Ever Truly Forgive a Friend?

1.   Can one ever fully forgive a friend for a big betrayal? Why or why not? 

Yes, it is possible to forgive a friend after a betrayal. Because humans are social animals, perseverance of relationships has been crucial to survival throughout evolution. However, the process of total forgiveness is not so simple. In the framework of the Betrayal Trauma Theory, a betrayal can either be avoided or accepted. Some argue that although true acceptance requires awareness, there can still be some degree of motivated unawareness, called betrayal blindness. Betrayal blindness is the tendency to remain “unaware” of the harm caused by betrayal in order to cope. Successful forgiveness also depends on the response of the offender. For example, if the offender is remorseful, reconciliation is more likely to occur. If the offender responds negatively, the betrayal can compound. Forgiveness depends on many factors; but overall, the brain regions associated involve cognitive control, theory of mind, and moral judgement, therefore requires a high degree of self-awareness from both the victim and the offender.

2.   What healing steps can one take to forgive a friend if they deem the friendship worth saving?

To achieve true forgiveness, one must first decide to forgive rather than pursue revenge or withdrawal. Evaluating the meaning and value of a friendship should be done before pursuing forgiveness, as it will establish your purpose for forgiving. The friendship itself must be deemed more valuable than the consequences of severing the connection. Brain regions associated with this step are highly correlated with social valuation. Deciding to forgive requires a great deal of willpower, not only to choose forgiveness, but to commit to it. Committing to forgiveness can be challenging because one must put aside negative thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. If unresolved, these feelings can lead to anger, anxiety, and depression.

The next stage of forgiveness is emotional forgiveness, which aims to resolve any negative emotions toward the offender. Emotional forgiveness requires conscious regulation of emotions to reduce stress reactions and cultivate more positive feelings. Behavioral research suggests that empathy for the offender is a key factor in forgiveness. To heal a friendship, being willing to understand and feel with the other person will aid in working towards emotional forgiveness. Acknowledgement of human fallibility can also help to establish empathy. Brain areas responsible for perspective-taking and cognitive control are highly active in the multifaceted process of emotional forgiveness.

3.   Psychologically speaking, are there different levels of betrayals, with some worse than others?

Although most betrayals follow a similar path to forgiveness, certain betrayals can cause more psychological harm than others. Betrayal typically involves some measure of broken trust and the effects vary depending on the initial level of trust and bond with the offender. Betrayals are commonly characterized by harmful disclosures of confidential information, disloyalty, infidelity, dishonesty, and/or failure to offer expected support in a significant time of need. Clinically, betrayal has led to OCD and PTSD-like symptoms or resulted in depressive episodes in some cases. For instance, when the betrayal includes a sense of violation, self-esteem is often affected and results in feelings of worthlessness or humiliation. In this case, mental contamination is also seen to be triggered by the presence of the offender, where victims will often avoid contact at all costs and even have difficulty saying their name. Overall the manner in which the betrayal and its consequences are perceived by the victim, determines their level distress. In cognitive behavioral treatment of betrayal-derived trauma, the focus is to empower clients by transforming their negative appraisals of betrayal.

Sources:

Rachman S. (2010). Betrayal: a psychological analysis. Behaviour research and therapy

Rao, X., et. Al. (2022). Brain structures associated with individual differences in                                        decisional and emotional forgiveness. Neuropsychologia.

Johnson-Freyd, S., & Freyd, J. J. (2013). Revenge and forgiveness or betrayal                                         blindness?. The Behavioral and brain sciences.